20 Months... and waiting.

Naomi's 20th month, so far, has been spent in anticipation of the arrival of her little sister, which has been nothing less than an emotional roller coaster. I'll keep updating the status of this situation so keep checking back, but in the meantime here is where we are at, and some photos of Naomi to keep you entertained for the time being. We'll make a brand new post when the little one arrives, which Naomi keeps saying will be "baby sister soon!"

As a forward...
For those who have not been induced, I can tell you that this is a completely different experience than letting labor happen spontaneously. With Naomi, I started labor, my water broke within 30 minutes, and we were on our way to the hospital. 20 hours later we had a baby in our arms. It went smoothly, we enjoyed the experience, and I actually looked forward to the next time we could bring a baby into the world.

With Knock-Knock, since we have been dealing with the umbilical cord issue for more than 2 months now which has included 2x Non-Stress Test (NST) per week and 1x Ultrasound per week, we have been scheduled for a "medically necessary" induction at the beginning of our 39th week. This way we know she is mature enough to be delivered safely, yet we cut her risk level of dependency on her cord.

Getting to induction, at least in our experience, takes a lot of mental preparation. First you have to come to terms with starting a process that your body or the baby may not actually be ready for yet. It's unnatural and weird. Then you have to get over the fear of the drugs you know they are going to give you to start the process. We've all heard the horror stories and negative outcomes. Then you have to just plain get ready to have this baby in your arms and you try to go through the motions in your brain, rehearsing what has to be done first, what you need to remember from last time, etc. This is mentally exhausting stuff, especially for a planner like me. I'm admittedly not so good at just going with the flow when so much has been planned out for me.

Bottom line, just putting everything in the back of your head and letting labor happen when it is going to happen is SO much easier. Yet, the doctor insists that we need to deliver the baby, so you trust that and agree, go through all these mental hurdles, and expect the call to report the hospital.

Thursday, 09/9/10
This is the day we have been scheduled for induction. This day came and went. We called in at 8am as instructed, were told we were most likely going to be called to come in by noon. I waited until 4pm to call again, which is when I was informed that we would not be admitted on this day. They were just too busy.

Also, the doctor called me and insisted on scheduling another NST for the next day. I asked if it was necessary if I was going to be induced the next day. She said, "Well, it's not guaranteed you will get in tomorrow either, then if you don't get in this weekend, that means we don't see you until at least Monday..."

WAIT, WHAT? We were disappointed and upset, mainly for two reasons: 1. I had to go through this prep all over again the next day, or maybe even MULTIPLE days in a row, and 2. Jim had just burned a valuable vacation day waiting for nothing.

Really? Could they really delay a "medically necessary" induction for MULTIPLE days?? No way...

I made the NST appointment, albeit begrudgingly, for 2:30pm the next day and decided to keep some faith that the doctor had a plan to get me in by at least then.

Friday, 09/10/10
We wait all day, in vain, for a call in to the birth center. We went to our NST where the doctor had us sign our induction informed consent, just to get the paperwork ready. By the time we left the office at 4:15pm, there was still no room at the birth center for us. We went to a movie (Induction Inception, which was very good) to kill some time, hoping that we would get a call sometime in the evening before heading back down to Tacoma. No luck.

Before making the drive south, I called the charge nurse to see if there was any chance for a call. She said that I was first on the list and she was hoping she could get us in by 11pm. Either way, she would call us and let us know.

So we went home in time to spend some time with Naomi before bed and waiting for a call - WHICH CAME at about 10pm! We were told to get ready and be at the hospital at 11:30pm!

So we did. at 10:30pm, knowing that I-5 Northbound was closed part of the way and we'd have to take a back road, we took off. We made it to the end of the block when the phone rang...

"Don't hate me," she says. "We just had 3 women in spontaneous active labor walk in so we don't have a bed for you anymore."

This is when I completely lost it and railed into this nurse. What, afterall, was the point of scheduling this supposedly "medically necessary" induction if they are not actually going to do it? And what if something did happen to this child during this days-long wait? Whose shoulders would that be on? And why is it that this hospital has this completely wishy-washy policy when every other person I have talked to who has been induced at any other hospital was given an actual scheduled appointment that was actually honored? And did they have any idea what this does to an already emotionally and hormonally charged 9 month pregnant woman? And did they have any respect at all for the rest of the family who is also on this roller coaster and changing their lives to take care of your other children? And what about my husband who has now killed TWO vacation days for no reason when they could  have been spent helping me with a newborn in the house?

The answer to all this: "I can't stitch up someone else's cervix to push you into labor." I thought this was the most callous answer I have ever heard, asked her what would have happened if I had gotten there 10 minutes BEFORE these other women (they would not have denied any of us care), and I told her that I would be in touch with the department head as soon as possible to file a complaint and hung up.

Then had a good cry and went to bed.

Saturday, 09/11/10
I called at 7:30 this morning to see what my chances of getting in today were. I spoke to both the new charge nurse and my doctor. I was told that they would get me in ASAP, of course and if I didn't hear from them by 11:30am to call again to check in. So here we are, waiting. Again. On day 3 of my "medically necessary" induction.

(Update!)
The 11:30 call yielded no reassurance of space for us, but the nurse said maybe we'd get a call around 3:00pm.

It came at 1:30pm that they were ready for us and we jumped in the car to go, where I promptly shut my phone off. No way was I going to answer if they were to call again on our way up! We were going to the hospital and STAYING there!

We were shown to our room, unpacked our stuff, got changed and met our nurse. We're here and they can't kick us out now!

The first hurdle is placing the IV. Two nurses (including one who, upon entrance, promised not to keep "porking" me... another hysterical story for another day), an IV Tech and FOUR sticks later, we finally were set. I finally got my first dose of cytotec at 5:00pm. Please, let's get this show on the road.

Sunday, 09/12/10
The clock has just clicked past 12:00am. I am contracting, but too often (about every minute or two) to get the 2nd dose of cytotec. But the drug has not done enough to soften my cervix and dilate me. And I've been told the doc on call won't really assess me until early morning, or unless these contractions get painful (which they are obviously not since I am writing this). SO, what to do? Walk around, then try to get some sleep.

(Update! And the rest of the story...)
The morning came and the doc came in to check me. Still 1.5cm at 6am. And still too many contractions. Not good. The on-call doc started to talk to me about a crazy balloon thing-a-majig the they would probably need to insert to help dilate me manually. HELL NO. What were our other options? We discussed giving me a flush of fluid to see if we could space out my contractions enough to do another round of cytotec. This may take longer, but it is less invasive. As far as I was concerned this was the way to go.

SO, we started the fluids and that ran for about an hour. By the time we were done with this, my OB was back on call - yeah! And when she checked me I was already at 3cm! No more cytotec, no balloons, I was progressing on my own! So we start running the pitocin.

By 1pm we were at about 4.5cm but still not in active labor. To move things along she broke my water, warned me that labor would get more intense and painful, and ordered me my epidural (I'm not an all-natural type of girl... Judge if you wish, but I don't like pain).

She was right. By the time the epidural arrived 20 minutes later, I was ready for it. I should say, though, that the epi was A LOT lighter than the one I got with Naomi, which pretty much knocked my lower half out of use for a full 24 hours. This time around I could still feel everything (and all the accompanying pressure - moms, you know what I mean), it just took the edge off the pain. It was pretty much smooth sailing from this point on, though. By 6:00 we were pushing.

At 6:57pm our girl, all 9lbs 1oz (WOWZER!) and 20 inches of her, was born. Alana Stowe Roberts came into the world to the tune of Ta p'tite flamme by Amélie-les-crayons.

Welcome, cheeky monkey. We love you so very, very much.

Another post dedicated to Alana will be posted soon...

Mother's Milk

Ugh. This has been the biggest challenge yet.

I was determined all throughout pregnancy to exclusively breastfeed. I was convinced that I would love this time with my baby, that it would be easy and natural and the best thing I could give her. I would go so far as to say I was judgmental against mothers who did not breastfeed. I couldn't understand why on earth someone would buy formula when you could get the best milk for free.

I can say now that I was wrong in every sense. Breastfeeding is not easy. It is not as intuitive as I thought it would be. It is not always a choice to breastfeed exclusively, or at all. And I wholeheartedly understand why some families turn to formula. You have to really WANT to breastfeed, and WANT to make it work if it is going to work at all. If you are not all in, then you are basically all out.

Let me just say that we totally got off on the wrong foot, and I actually place a lot of blame on the hospital for the problems we have had with breastfeeding, and furthermore how it may have contributed to Naomi's jaundice.

First of all, if I could change any one thing about my birth experience it would be that I regret not insisting on the baby being allowed to try to latch within the first hour of birth. The nurses put her on my belly for all of 2 minutes after she was born before whisking her away to do all sorts of nonsense such as footprints and a bath - stuff that could have waited. But, this being my first birth, I was kinda taking the nurse's lead. Now I know better and will be able to be a better advocate for myself and my baby next time around. SO, it was a good hour+ after birth before we had a chance to try and breastfeed.

To boot, since Naomi was born on a "holiday" there were no lactation consultants on duty for a full 36 HOURS after Naomi was born. Any advice we got was piece-mealed to us by whatever nurse was on duty. (I should note here that while the labor and delivery nurses I worked with were the absolute best I could have hoped for, the post-partum nurses were all TERRIBLE. I'm not joking. It was night and day comparing the two sets of nurses and the hospital really needs to examine this issue. I won't go into detail, but the 36 hours after birth that I was in the hospital were split between a chatterbox, a passive aggressive bitch, and a nice woman who had hands so cracked, dry, and nasty looking that I cringed every time she touched me or the baby.)

Anyway, the advice we got was completely inconsistent and just thrown at us in passing. Even when they brought me a pump so I could get things moving a little better, they just dropped it off. I had to figure the damn thing out myself. It was completely frustrating, both for me and Naomi, and as a result Naomi didn't eat much while we were in the hospital at all. The only real attempt we had was when we finally got a consultant in for an hour before we went home. Naomi's latch was all disorganized, she couldn't get the hang of it, and it was so painful for me I began to dread every feeding time. I likened it to having your nipples clamped every three hours for a full hour. (Why people are into that, I'll never know.) In total, I would say Naomi MAYBE got half an ounce in that whole time. It was a disaster.

And then we went home and she still didn't eat much. By the time we got to the doctor on Monday morning she had dropped to 7lbs - that is a full 1.25lb weight loss since birth. WAY unhealthy. The pediatrician ordered us to start supplementing my feedings with 1oz of formula.

Now, this may seem weird, but I feel like I needed to be given that permission. Until it became "doctor's orders" I wouldn't even consider it. The nurses and the lactation consultants never even mentioned it as an option. The pediatrician at the hospital mentioned it in passing but did so when the lactation consultant was in the room, so I had to watch her roll her eyes. I felt so completely judged, failing in the number one job of being a mom. I also felt like I was on my own. I had no idea what I was doing, how I would know if she was getting enough, and just had this overwhelming feeling that after9 months of being completely in synch, my body was now failing her body.

But as we went through the 4 days after Naomi's birth before going to our permanent pediatrician, I felt horrible knowing that there was no way she was getting what she needed. She no longer produced tears, her lips were completely chapped. She was unhappy, lethargic, jaundice.

So when I started tube-feeding her the formula after every breastfeeding session and I knew she was getting something in her belly I felt so much better. That was the same day she started her light therapy. While it was all very stressful, I finally felt like at least she was getting what she needed and I was doing whatever had to be done to get her healthy and thriving. I felt so much better. And Naomi started to bounce back quickly. She gained a whole 7 ounces on the first day!

After that, I just struggled trying to get my milk to come in any kind of quantity. I pumped after every feeding. I tried drinking tons of water, taking fenugreek, went back to the lactation consultant.

Fast forward to now, we are still breastfeeding and still supplementing 2oz after every feeding. I am not really sure when to stop, or if I should. I know that she is drinking well from me, but she also looks forward to her bottle after the boob. So I give it to her. I feel good knowing that she is still getting the benefits of whatever milk I am able make for her, but she is also getting as much food as she needs.

I'm at peace with that.

Labor & Delivery

For my entire life I had been completely TERRIFIED of this day. The day I had to go through labor and deliver a baby. I was convinced it would be traumatizing, both physically and emotionally. It would be painful. It would be bloody. It would be chaotic. It would be, in short, a nightmare. But then your urge to have a baby and start a family finally overrides your fears and you just get pregnant and decide to deal with the agony when it comes, keeping in mind it can't last forever.

I realize that the above scenario is a reality for some people. I was so glad that for me it was the complete opposite.

I woke up at at 4:30am on 12/31 feeling what I thought might be Braxton Hicks contractions (painless practice contractions). I tried to time them to see if they were real and if I could detect any kind of rhythm to them. They seemed to be about 8 minutes apart. So, I woke Jim up at 5:00 to let him know that I thought that MAYBE I was starting labor...

Like a movie cliche, he jumped out of bed ready to go gather our stuff and hit the road to the hospital. I laughed at him and told him to get back into bed. If this was labor, chances are we had quite a while to go. Besides, we weren't supposed to call the hospital until we hit the 5-1-1 mark (contractions 5 minutes apart, lasting about 1 minute, for at least an hour). So, we laid back in bed and tried to fall back to sleep... we didn't get very far.

At 5:35 I felt a slight sharp pain, not unlike how it would feel if the baby kicked my cervix. Then I felt it again a few seconds later, followed by a distinct "gush." I thought to myself, "Either my water just broke or I just peed the bed."

For those of you who don't know, once your water breaks you have 24 hours to deliver the baby, otherwise risking serious infection. So, we called the hospital and told them what was up. They told us to come in immediately. What I really wanted to do was take a shower but I figured I'd be able to do that once I got to the hospital and checked in.

We got to the hospital at about 7:00. The nurse confirmed that my water did break and that I was in labor. My blood pressure was a bit high, which was strange as it is always in the normal range. Because of this I was confined to bed and not allowed to take the shower I was hoping for!

Despite the doc's request to start Pitocin, I decided to go for it on my own for a while to see how far I can get. I had a long way to go since I was only 1cm dilated when they checked me. The doctor decided that I could try it for a while but she was concerned that my contractions were not strong enough to get me very far.

We checked again at 10:30 and I had made it 3cm. Again, I requested to go ahead without Pitocin for the time being. I was still able to breathe through the contractions pretty well.

We checked again at 1pm. By this time I was only at 5cm and while I was progressing, my contractions were still pretty weak (although getting more and more painful) and were not going to get me all the way there. The doctor pushed me this time to start Pitocin in order to avoid coming down to the wire and risking a c-section. I had decided in my birthplan that induction with Pitocin were necessary I would definitely need an epidural started BEFORE the Pitocin. I have heard nightmares about going the other way around.

This is where it gets kinda blurry... blurry in a good way. Once I got the epidural I was no longer watching the clock, counting to my next contraction, dreading every second. After I got my epidural everything was, dare I say, pleasant.

Seriously. I enjoyed the rest of labor and delivery. I'm not kidding. I enjoyed the anticipation, knowing that Naomi was about to arrive, wondering if she was going to be a 2008 baby or a 2009 baby. Emily and Chad and their friend Jashwant from school came and hung out with us. We talked, laughed, watched TV, (they) played cards. Jim and I even napped for a while. I didn't feel a thing! And this is what we did until about 11:30pm when I finished dilating and the baby was engaged and ready to be delivered. Chad and Jash went to wait outside. Jim and Emily stayed with me to watch the baby being born.

I admit, this is where I got REALLY nervous. Not about Naomi's arrival, but about pushing. Really, I was terrified of the physical trauma that pushing could leave behind. But, at the point of no return, what can a woman do? So, I pushed.

With an epidural, if you haven't experienced this, pushing is a bit tricky. The doc had to literally tell me HOW to push because I couldn't feel anything. In fact, I was so numb below the waist that the part of my body that hurt the most were my TEETH. I had just had my braces adjusted a couple days before so they were still sore. And that was my only complaint. I think the doctor thought I was crazy when I vocalized that discomfort!

I think this is where I was amazed, once again, at how smoothly everything went. My doctor handled everything exactly how I would have want it to be handled. Everything was calm, I had great music on in the background, a cool washcloth on my forehead, and the lights dimmed in the room. The hour that I pushed went by quickly - I just took it one push at a time and before I knew it, Naomi had arrived: January 1, 2009 at 12:34am.

Emily noted that Tori Amos' "Happy Phantom" was on as she was born, if you are curious. She also said something that made me really proud. Apparently, I make giving birth "look easy." Also, I guess my pushing face looks like I am smiling, although I can say that I was really working hard on the pushing and I was not intentionally smiling. But, it makes me feel good to think I looked really happy when Naomi was coming into the world.

To back up for a second, I have to give serious props to Jim. He got through the whole thing like a total stud. He was calm, he held my left leg as I pushed, he surprised me by actually watching Naomi being born AND cutting the cord! If you missed the post I wrote about this previously, read it here. You'll note that he made a complete 180º in this area as we had previously decided that he would NOT watch and NOT cut the cord. I just think it ended up not being as scary or gross as we had prepared ourelves for. The worst part, he says, was having to sit and stare at my placenta for 20 minutes as it sat in the metal bowl on the table while they tended to the baby and stitched me up (no worries - only a minor tear requiring 2 stitches, and that didn't hurt either).

And that was that. The room cleared out, and soon it was just me, Jim, and Naomi. And we were completely blissed out. I can say for myself I fell in love twice that day: once with my new, perfect little girl, then once again with my husband, the man who gave me the biggest gift I could ever ask for.

I can't sleep

But that is not unusual these days. It is 5:45am and I've been up since 3. The first hour and a half I spent laying in bed hoping to fall back asleep. Even Jersey's ultra-super warm spooning skills couldn't do the trick. So I got up and moved to the living room. This is my stand-by trick. Usually works - maybe it is the cooler air or a little TV noise in the background. But no-go tonight. At 5:15 I realize I am so famished I need to eat something. A small bowl of cereal suffices.

That, in itself, is something that caught me off-guard with pregnancy. About once a week or so I wake up in the middle of the night because I am so hungry my stomach hurts. This is just weird to me. I never had this problem before, but I guess I never burned so many calories, seemingly without effort, before. My body is working hard! Jim tells me not to starve the baby. I swear I don't. I eat whatever I want, just making sure most of it is mostly healthy, and keeping sugar in-check. But my body has reacted strangely to pregnancy in this regard.

You might want to kick my ass after I tell you the next bit, but please remember every woman reacts differently to pregnancy in every way and in every pregnancy... I have only gained 9 pounds in 38 weeks. And, as we found out last week, 7 of that is solid baby. Now let's be real and say that I have plenty on reserve. I'm not a small girl. But I really was expecting a lot more weight gain. I have been concerned in the past and have asked my doc about it more than once (I'll want to remember those moments... "Doctor, am I GAINING enough weight?" Never, in a million years did I ever imagine those words coming from my mouth...). She's not concerned, so neither am I. And Lemon is obviously thriving, so it is what it is.

Besides, what goes around, comes around. My luck, next pregnancy I'll probably pack on a solid 50.

Anyway, still can't sleep so here I am blogging, reading other blogs, writing emails, window shopping on Etsy. Cereal in my belly, I am fully awake now. Crud. Maybe I am just subconsciously preparing for life with less sleep. I hear what happens with a newborn in the house... Yeah... that's it. The universe at work.