Mother's Milk

Ugh. This has been the biggest challenge yet.

I was determined all throughout pregnancy to exclusively breastfeed. I was convinced that I would love this time with my baby, that it would be easy and natural and the best thing I could give her. I would go so far as to say I was judgmental against mothers who did not breastfeed. I couldn't understand why on earth someone would buy formula when you could get the best milk for free.

I can say now that I was wrong in every sense. Breastfeeding is not easy. It is not as intuitive as I thought it would be. It is not always a choice to breastfeed exclusively, or at all. And I wholeheartedly understand why some families turn to formula. You have to really WANT to breastfeed, and WANT to make it work if it is going to work at all. If you are not all in, then you are basically all out.

Let me just say that we totally got off on the wrong foot, and I actually place a lot of blame on the hospital for the problems we have had with breastfeeding, and furthermore how it may have contributed to Naomi's jaundice.

First of all, if I could change any one thing about my birth experience it would be that I regret not insisting on the baby being allowed to try to latch within the first hour of birth. The nurses put her on my belly for all of 2 minutes after she was born before whisking her away to do all sorts of nonsense such as footprints and a bath - stuff that could have waited. But, this being my first birth, I was kinda taking the nurse's lead. Now I know better and will be able to be a better advocate for myself and my baby next time around. SO, it was a good hour+ after birth before we had a chance to try and breastfeed.

To boot, since Naomi was born on a "holiday" there were no lactation consultants on duty for a full 36 HOURS after Naomi was born. Any advice we got was piece-mealed to us by whatever nurse was on duty. (I should note here that while the labor and delivery nurses I worked with were the absolute best I could have hoped for, the post-partum nurses were all TERRIBLE. I'm not joking. It was night and day comparing the two sets of nurses and the hospital really needs to examine this issue. I won't go into detail, but the 36 hours after birth that I was in the hospital were split between a chatterbox, a passive aggressive bitch, and a nice woman who had hands so cracked, dry, and nasty looking that I cringed every time she touched me or the baby.)

Anyway, the advice we got was completely inconsistent and just thrown at us in passing. Even when they brought me a pump so I could get things moving a little better, they just dropped it off. I had to figure the damn thing out myself. It was completely frustrating, both for me and Naomi, and as a result Naomi didn't eat much while we were in the hospital at all. The only real attempt we had was when we finally got a consultant in for an hour before we went home. Naomi's latch was all disorganized, she couldn't get the hang of it, and it was so painful for me I began to dread every feeding time. I likened it to having your nipples clamped every three hours for a full hour. (Why people are into that, I'll never know.) In total, I would say Naomi MAYBE got half an ounce in that whole time. It was a disaster.

And then we went home and she still didn't eat much. By the time we got to the doctor on Monday morning she had dropped to 7lbs - that is a full 1.25lb weight loss since birth. WAY unhealthy. The pediatrician ordered us to start supplementing my feedings with 1oz of formula.

Now, this may seem weird, but I feel like I needed to be given that permission. Until it became "doctor's orders" I wouldn't even consider it. The nurses and the lactation consultants never even mentioned it as an option. The pediatrician at the hospital mentioned it in passing but did so when the lactation consultant was in the room, so I had to watch her roll her eyes. I felt so completely judged, failing in the number one job of being a mom. I also felt like I was on my own. I had no idea what I was doing, how I would know if she was getting enough, and just had this overwhelming feeling that after9 months of being completely in synch, my body was now failing her body.

But as we went through the 4 days after Naomi's birth before going to our permanent pediatrician, I felt horrible knowing that there was no way she was getting what she needed. She no longer produced tears, her lips were completely chapped. She was unhappy, lethargic, jaundice.

So when I started tube-feeding her the formula after every breastfeeding session and I knew she was getting something in her belly I felt so much better. That was the same day she started her light therapy. While it was all very stressful, I finally felt like at least she was getting what she needed and I was doing whatever had to be done to get her healthy and thriving. I felt so much better. And Naomi started to bounce back quickly. She gained a whole 7 ounces on the first day!

After that, I just struggled trying to get my milk to come in any kind of quantity. I pumped after every feeding. I tried drinking tons of water, taking fenugreek, went back to the lactation consultant.

Fast forward to now, we are still breastfeeding and still supplementing 2oz after every feeding. I am not really sure when to stop, or if I should. I know that she is drinking well from me, but she also looks forward to her bottle after the boob. So I give it to her. I feel good knowing that she is still getting the benefits of whatever milk I am able make for her, but she is also getting as much food as she needs.

I'm at peace with that.